[a story of embarrassment, grace, and adulting]
THE NIGHT BEFORE | I’m restless. Kids are both in bed at 7:30. Kyle is asleep by 9:00. I’m packing, prepping, making list, walking around aimlessly. That’s it. I’ve listened to Love, Dates, & Heartbreaks (Week 2). I’m determined to choose patience over pushy. I’m determined to choose kindness – because unkindness is a sign of weakness. A lack of self-control. I’ll be grateful for the Legos that just stabbed the bottom of my foot, because oh how I’ll miss them when they are gone. Oh how I couldn’t bear the thought of them leaving too soon. If something happened to my little boys, I’d leave a Lego by my bed forever. Just to make sure I never forgot them. I have resolved, to ignore everything I’ll forget by next week anyways, and savor my family. Savor all that there is to be grateful for. Finally, I rest.
THE DAY OF | 4:15 and ready to go. Shower. Pack. Work. Loading the car, and I realize my air pods are gone. MY AIRPODS! You know, the ones I just bought LAST WEEK. After losing a pair earlier this year. I’d already lost ANOTHER pair? What an idiot. I left them right there, on the top right corner of the note pad. On my desk at home. Freaking nit wit. Where did they go? What kind of incompetent person can’t keep up with freaking air pods. Especially after losing the last ones. I’ll never learn. I don’t deserve nice things. I don’t deserve my kids. My family. How can I expect to manage 15,000 hours of revenue if I can’t even remember to put my air pods back in their case? Let alone keep two little humans alive. I should basically just run away, they’d be better off without me. No Kyle, I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at myself. The idiot that can’t keep up with her air pods. It’s not fine. I’m not fine. What can you help me with, Kyle? I DON’T KNOW – put my bag in the car, put shoes on these kids, FIND MY AIR PODS. If I have to tell you how to help I don’t need your help. KJ, I don’t care if you want to ride your bike, we’re going to school. Stop yelling. Bye. I can’t believe I lost my freaking air pods…
*plugs in iPhone*
*shuffle all music*
“He gives more grace as our burdens grow greater. He sends more strength as our labors increase. To added affliction, he adds his mercy. To multiplied trials, he multiplies peace. When we have exhausted all our endurance, and our strength has filled but the day is not done. When we reach the end of all our resources our fathers full giving has only begun. He gives. Don’t fear that your need will exceed his provision. Our God is abounding and longing to share. Lean on the arm everlasting, unending. You and your burden the father will bear. He gives. His love has no limit. His grace has no measure. His power no boundary known unto man. From out of the infinite riches of Jesus he gives. He gives. HE GIVES!”
-The Elm Music
TODAY | I am thirty. I said a lot last week. 241 of you read it. 50+ responded. I am unendingly grateful for each and every comment, text, DM, message, and kind word spoken. Your vulnerability, empathy, and encouragement gave back 10 fold to me what I shared with you all.
In the days since, I haven’t wondered once if I regret saying “I do”. I’ve only wondered if I regret desiring more. Maybe an apathetic relationship wasn’t fulfilling, but it sure wasn’t under fire. Spiritual warfare is real, and it’s full of death traps that turn missing air pods into nuclear meltdowns for the whole family. Only the light of Jesus can conquer that darkness, and when it’s too much to pray or ask, fill your ears, your car, your heart, and your soul with the words of truth anywhere you can find them. I literally felt my heart soften and the rage subside as I let five rounds of “He gives” wash over me.
I rearranged my afternoon meetings. Went by Kyle’s office on his lunch break to give a proper good bye. Picked up KJs bike, pulled him out of school for a half hour, and rode around the neighborhood next door. I’ll be up late paying for the time lost at work, but I’ll sleep better knowing I left my family on the right terms.
Oh, and I found the air pods. On the top right corner of my note pad. On my desk. At my client. Right where I left them.
Prologue
To my work fam - I need you all to know that I hear you, I love you, and I am a-okay. I’ve got great teams, great support, a great coach, great mentors, and a shit load of work to do this busy season 😊 I signed up for ever new thing on my plate and I am excited about each and every opportunity. I appreciate all of the support that you’ve provided through two maternity leaves, and I look forward to what all of us are going to accomplish together this fiscal year. Here’s to demolishing plan and taking names. Those of you that shared concern directly and indirectly are the #1 reason I stay at Deloitte, and I cannot express enough how much I truly appreciate all of you as colleagues and friends! I didn’t mean to cause alarm, just keeping it real.