Midnight Ramblings

My friend Cherie has been boldly sharing her grief journey online in the most inspiring way. She’s using the pain of the loss of her sweet Mallory to shine light for those walking a similar road, and it is such a blessing. Reading her poems and engaging with her audience is so healing. Recently, she talked about fear and asked others to share about their fears. Before I knew it, I found myself typing “My greatest fear is that I will one day lose my long hidden battle with depression, leaving behind my family and friends in the weight of grief like that which you share about.”

As soon as my brain processed what my fingers were typing, I immediately deleted the comment and threw my phone across the room. What did I almost do? Other than counselors and Kyle, I am not sure I’ve ever spoken to anyone about my depression out loud. Why on earth would I share that so flippantly on the internet?

It’s been a few weeks and the Lord has not stopped pressing on my heart the need to bring darkness into light. I celebrate honesty and believe whole heartedly in the importance of knowing people deeply. Yet, here I am, unwilling to be known.

So, while I won’t just drop that flippant fear into the comment section, I can write a little more about my story…

I say all the time that my life has the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. That I’m dramatic and over the top. That I’ve been in and out of counseling my entire life and am a true believer in the power of talking things out. I’m not afraid of confrontation and I love to shoot you straight, get to the bottom of it, and move on. Even if that involves yelling and/or tears. All of this, and more, is me saying I battle depression… without saying I battle depression.

It’s not clinical depression, but a sensitivity to situational depression that rapidly escalates. For so long my depression has been so well managed that I’ll be honest, I kind of thought I was “over it”. All the years of counseling has left me with so many great tools. Plus, all the years or practice has left me with the ability to use those tools almost subliminally. On top of that, throw in an ever-deepening relationship with Jesus + ever growing faith in the power of the Holy Spirit and you’ve got a recipe for a healing. You see, healing sounds good. It sounds like a thing you’d want, but if I’m being honest, it looked more like pride in my life. Deeply rooted unconscious pride in my ability to get through life “on my own” devoid of acknowledgement that the Lord is the only reason I had the tools, the practice, and the faith to live a healthier life.

And that, my friends, is exactly where Satan wanted me. Full. Of. Pride.

In the fall of 2023, something started feeling off. I felt a need to draw near to Him as a battle began. I was praying desperately for the Lord to prepare my heart. Not long after that, Cherie’s sweet Mallory, Kyle’s Grandmama Aust and Courtney (the absolute sweetest friend of mine from our little Beech community) passed away in the span of eight months. I could write for pages about what each of these people meant to me, but for now I’ll just say it felt like too much at once. I began oscillating in these toxic cycles from deep sadness and grief to absolute guilt and denial for feeling so strongly. This wasn’t MY child, or MY grandma, or MY best friend. So many people in the world have things SO MUCH worse than me… what did I have to be so downtrodden about. I felt like I needed to turn up the Fruit of the Spirit not wallow in someone else’s grief.

You see – if I’d have been as well equipped as I thought I was, I would have noticed those toxic mood swings as the first sign of my depression returning, but I didn’t. It took a few rounds of suicidal ideations for me to say something out loud that finally made me realized I’d slid a long way back into forgotten territory. And then, as if on que, a friendship I held so deeply ended. Abruptly. With absolutely no rationale or warning that I could see or understand. The dramatic swings just got more dramatic. I was grieving and then I was trying to fix it and then I was calling myself an idiot for being so upset over something so silly. And then I was grieving again…

Eventually, I decided it was time to call in the professionals. I worked through the grief, not just of the lost friendship, but of the people that had passed in the previous year. I was reminded of some great tools and have been using them again. I am also running again. I once had a goal to run a sub-2:00 half marathon and I never reached it. I’m dreaming BIG that maybe I still can.

I don’t really have a nice bow to tie on the end of this... The Lord woke me up in the middle of the night with this story so heavy I had to get it out. I should tell you all the way he’s showed up for me even in the midst of this challenging year, but I can’t. They outnumber the stars. He provided a heart and a plan for our forever home and a buyer for our land that never even went on the market. He provided new friends and deeper kindness than I ever deserved at the start of this school year. I chose to ask God to show up as El Roi (the God who sees) during a women’s leadership event at church, and I have been brought to tears with how He has seen and provided for the most specific yearnings of my heart. Things so small I wouldn’t have dared to pray or ask for, yet He knew. He provided. Though I feel like I have walked through a valley in 2024, He has lifted me into the glorious riches of His embrace and for that I will be eternally grateful. 

The battle is not over, it never is. What’s the morale here… I don’t know. Depression rarely looks how you think it’s supposed to. Cherie’s willingness to be vulnerable online is an absolute inspiration and goes far beyond the reach of others who are grieving the loss of a child. Life is hard, eternal life is better. You know, maybe this will just stay in my drafts forever. Writing it out just for myself has been a blessing. Truly, I have no idea, but I sense that the Lord still wants me to bring my darkness further into the light. My prayer is that he will show himself to me and that eventually just one person can be helped by this story.

Wherever you are, be all there. Goodnight.

2020 Failures & YET, success

One year ago I set a goal to go 2,020 miles in 2020. I knew a lot of that would come from training for the three half marathons I had planned and the 29029 event, but I didn't have a goal to run 2,020 miles, just to go that distance. At an average 5.5 miles per day, I knew this would require a general increase in daily activity. My real hope was that the goal would motivate me to get up from my desk more, take more evening walks, and play longer with the kids. At first, it worked. I was walking more just to get out of the house, but eventually I fell into a funk. The marathons and 29029 events were cancelled. I became consumed with all of the insanity that was this year and I was not making healthy choices, mentally or physically.

By August, I was determined to get back to the goal. I was back to walking more and decided 10 minutes on my new Horizon IC7.9 was worth one mile toward my 2,020 goal. I tried to make up for lost time, but I still failed.

Spoiler alert: its the last day of 2020 and I am 139 miles short of my goal.

Almost every part of me hates that I failed, especially because I came so close. My mind rattles through the analytics and negative self talk. I was short by less than half a mile per day. I wasn't even working for 1/3 of the year. How did I not make time to meet this goal?

Thats what, almost, every part of me says.

As the realization has set in that I wouldn't meet my goal, I've tried to reflect and reframe my perspective this week. In doing so, I've found a little part of me that's gotten stifled this year. A kind and gentle inner voice that finds so much to be thankful for even in my failure.

I chased a neighbor down the street so that I would not have to walk alone. That turned into a habit (the walking together, not the chasing). Through those steps and the miles, I gained a friendship that I am eternally grateful for.

I also found a new community on my bike. I thought Peloton was a cult, and maybe it is, but it's mine now, and I'm grateful for a place to sweat while my littles are in the house.

I spent a lot of time in counseling. It started before the pandemic, but I am SO THANKFUL I had that outlet to process all that happened through the year. Now I leave this year with the confidence to know that, regardless of the stigma, getting help is a positive thing.

I did not meet this specific goal, but this year was not a failure. With my half marathons and 29029 event rezchedule, 2,021 in 2021 is a go! Join me?

A 2020 Christmas Card

Kyle still works at The Impact Partnership, and looks forward to getting back on the road to see his clients. He is duck hunting in Arkansas this year, and it is off to a great start. He's also training for 29029, again.

After 8+ years at Deloitte, Teresa is now home with the boys full time. They have visited 9 of Georgia's 50+ state parks and plan to see many more in 2021 in her new Minivan! Her biggest adventure is going to be joining Kyle for the 29029 event next year.

KJ (4) is officially OBSESSED with baseball! It's a new sport to our family, but we love watching him learn and grow. He's also very into anything with a remote. You'll see that reflected in his Christmas gifts this year. He loves his new pre-school and is preparing to start Kindergarten in the fall (maybe). After the year we've had, every plan gets an asterisk.

Bryce (2) loved playing soccer this year and can't wait to start baseball like his big brother in the Spring. It feels like Bryce learns 100 words a week and each one is more adorable than the next. He's been asking for a blue motorcycle from Santa. FedEx lost the blue one, and Walmart sold out of them. So, "Mrs. Clause" has to figure out how to make the pink one blue. Bryce has also enjoyed his new school - especially the two day schedule which leaves two days of 1:1 time for him and mama.

All of that is cute and 100% true, but it doesn't capture this year fully. I mean, how could it. 2020 held a lot of things. We'll read in the history books about the global pandemic and the historic eletion(s), but I want to remember what this year felt like for our family. If the 9th year of our marriage was about growing into our 30s together, the 10th year is surely testing that bond. I'm thankful for the perseverance we're developing, but I long for the days we'll look back in awe of the beauty that will bloom from all of this pruning.

Like so many of our friends and family this year has been exhausting and confusing. Its hard to plan or even imagine what's next, but for now, we follow God and trust him with the consequences. He's always delivered, and I can't wait to see what the next stone in our Ebenezer jar will be.

Lessons on a Hike

I never want to forget the lessons I learned today: 1) My boys are strong, resilient, brave, and adorable, and 2) I set the tone for how they respond in the face of a challenge.

The boys have been into hiking lately so we've spent our Fridays finding bigger and better treks each week. Today, we went to Sweetwater Creek State Park. KJ wanted to see the big bridge and Bryce wanted to see the mill ruins. They both agreed to finish the hike at the playground.

We charted our trail. Yellow out to the bridge and back, cut over on the black connector to red, pass the mill and take white up to the playground.

The hike started slow because they HAD to play fetch with Trigger at EVERY SINGLE spot where the trail met the water. After reading "The Ruthless Elemination of Hurry" recently, I had my mind set on going at their pace. After all, I had no where else to be and our sweet pup deserved the attention and fun. We eventually made it to the bridge and back, waded through some flooding on the black connector, stopped for a snack and potty break, collected rocks on red and had a small meltdown when we found gates protecting the mill.

Ah, but the last stop was the playground and everybody was ready for that so we started down white. It should have taken us back into the park, away from the water. About 30 minutes down the trail, I heard rapids. Time stood still, and then it hit me. We went the wrong way on white! We were at the bottom of all of the trails. No where to go but 2 miles back north. I wanted to cry and scream and panic, but instead I just laughed. There were literally no options but to keep hiking and I knew the boys would follow my mood. Knowing the difficulty of the path ahead I put on a (fake) smile and marched on as I crossed my fingers and hoped that they could handle the terrain.

We took another break at the iconic rocks overlooking the rapids. It's beautiful, breezy, and a little terrifying. The loved it! Everyone seemed to have a renewed sense of adventure (s/o to Gatorade and fruit snacks for the assist). I was still unsure that we'd make it back. I couldn't imagine KJ or Bryce finishing a five mile hike without stopping every 10 minutes to whine, but we just kept going and my goodness, they amazed me! Jumping, climbing, laughing, and dancing their way through the roughest part of the trail. The part I feared was their FAVORITE part of the whole hike! I tried to memorize the feelings of pride and joy I felt watching them be so brave and strong. Since we were an hour past nap time, I eneded up carrying Bryce for the last mile while KJ took the backpack for me. Bryce fell asleep on my back while KJ hiked right beside me all the way back to the car.

I couldn't believe we made it. That fake smile had become real, and wouldn't you know, they both still wanted to go to the playground. Of course we went and they loved that too, but next time - we'll take the more direct route!

Names I Should Know

You know - here's the thing... when I speak calmly and respectfully to correct a behavior in my house and no one listens to me, I get frustrated. Things escalate. When I say it repeatedly and the action I'm trying to correct continues for weeks, (or months, or years) I lose it. I get REAL dramatic!

• Is it right? Absolutely not!

• Do I have to apologize afterward? Absolutely!

• Is it effective? Sometimes...

Sometimes, the drama gets the attention that my calm words did not. Sometimes, the fear of my dramatic anger, is a reminder that lingers a little longer than the calm words.

There is no logic in my dramatic anger; no issue in our hourse worth yelling over, but it happens none the less. And so, I have been mulling over my own words recently "I don't get how looting target has anything to do with punishing police officers for a hanous murder?"… but after reflecting on my own escalating frustrations for much more trivial offenses, I think I get it now.

• It doesn't make violence right.

• It’s going to result in apologies (+ unfortunately arrests/charges for many).

• Maybe, it will be effective in driving change.

I empathize with those who are burnt out, fed up, exhausted, and enraged at being ignored. Empathy does not mean condoning, supporting, or even agreeing with the resulting behavior… it just means allowing yourself to relate to the feeling. I understand how someone could be driven to violence by the continued systemic racism in this country.

BUT, here's the tough part… the mayor of Atlanta is right. Go home, if you love this city. Even the dramatic anger in me isn't really effective in my house. It may last longer, but it doesn't result in actual change and neither will the riots. Just like my anger, they may feel temporarily more effective than peaceful measures, but no change happens over night. Change comes from WORK. In my house, with our children and in our marriage - change takes face-to-face focused attention and discussion. It takes listening and explaining and understanding and empathy and counsel. Change is good, but change is really hard.

I've understood and agreed with the systemic racism we've had in our country for my whole life. Now, I am beginning to truly empathize with those that are regularly affected by it. I want these riots to liner longer on my heart, but more than that - I want to be part of the solution in a real and meaningful way. I pray others will search themselves too and find empathy for the root cause behind this chaos. I hope we can spend time with ourselves and with others to listen, understand, empathize, and change.

To the families and friends of Ahmaud Arbery, George Floyd, and all the other names I should know, but don't, I'm sorry! Today, I committ to begin to do better for the world we’re all raising our kids in.

KARA & NATE

What can I even say. As I prepare to join you in celebrating an epic feat, I prepare to check off an item on my own bucket list.

[✓] Personally know someone famous

It's a weird thing to put on a bucket list, I know. Bucket lists are about experiences. About locations. About things we want to do and see. For me, knowing someone famous always seemed cool and interesting. I wondered what it was like to know someone beloved by so many. It seems so wild to think about where you are in this moment in life. Over the last four years you've sold out trips to Italy and Myanmar. You've visited 100 countries. You've accumulated 1M+ YouTube subscribers, and had 750+ people come from all over the world to celebrate with you.

One might wonder how you got here. Hard word. Dedication. Focus. Sure, those were all skills you needed to make this happen. But if you ask me, the answer is even simpler. You were just yourselves. The beautiful, talented, kind, generous people that the Lord made you to be.

I have had the privilege to know you both for the past 15 years, and if I look back over those early years, it's like I should have seen this day coming all along.

• Nate, in high school, you made Kara share entres with you at T.G.I Fridays, and never paid for beverages. Those we're a rip off. Those frugal habbits helped you get through that first year of full time travel.

• Kara, you squeezed my face and squealed thank you every single time I "saved your life" at cheerleading practice. Those honest displays of genuine appreciation are what shine through in every new experience we get to watch you have.

• Nate, remember that time we convinced you to come to Florida on 12 hours notice. You rode 16 hours in the car and worked 28 hours as "security" at a cheerleading competition, just for a free hotel stay and 4 hours of fun on the beach.

• Kara, remember that time we headed off with Nate & Kyle on a backpacking trip, but didn't know where we were going when we left. Crammed into someone's car, we headed east from Knoxville and researched hike/camps in North Carolina as we drove.

Some might say those moments were foreshadowing to this big adventure you've been on for the last four years.

It's easy to stand here and think this moment is crazy. That these people who traveled so far to meet you are crazy. But you know what I think… they aren't crazy at all. To know you two is to love you two, and all I can say is THANK YOU for bringing us along on your journey. Whatever is next - no matter how much of it you want to share with all of us. These years. This night. Knowing you two; has changed me forever. For each of you, I am eternally grateful. Cheers to you both and CONGRATULATIONS on 100 countries!! 🥂

Young Love

I met Kyle, in the hallway of our high school, headed to a class I can't remember. He was wearing ripped jeans, a white polo, and checkered vans. I wrote in my journal that he was the type of guy I needed to watch out for. He knows, I gave him that page of my journal years ago.

You see, I was born in Nashville, but moved to Texas when I was four years old. I went to school K-10th grade with the same friends. In the middle of 10th grade, we moved "home" to Tennessee. It was my idea, and I was pissed about it [more on that another day].

Fast forward two years, and I turned Kyle down as my date to Senior prom. Actually, that's the short story we always tell. The truth is, he never asked me to Prom. My friends told him I was probably going to say no. He saved himself the embarrassment. I probably wouldn't have had the heart to say no. There's a lesson in that somewhere... I digress.

I didn't want to go to prom with Kyle because he had a reputation. The one you'd expect a guy to have, whose name graced a scrapbooks worth of newspaper articles. He was a football star. King of that little world. You know, the corner of the hall way where all of that clique stands between class. This story could get really long, so I'll get to the point.

Kyle turns 31 today. I've known Kyle almost as long as I haven't. We've done a lot of life together. Sometimes, when our relationship gets hard, I let myself believe that the Kyle I was afraid to go to Prom with is the real Kyle. It's a deep rooted fear. A final wall to protect my heart from shattering. An expectation of disappointment. I've probably got a few hundred more hours of therapy needed to unpack all of that, buy here's what I know to be true today: We all make poor choices in life. Those choices don't definitely us. What defines us is how we respond.

Kyle and I have grown up together. Not the age where your parents raise you, but the part after that. When you have to grow on your own. When you start to choose who you want to be in life. I've watched Kyle grow into the man of my dreams. A man that makes our family proud. A man I can only hope our boys will grow up to become. Not because of his lack of mistakes, but because of his responses to then. He chooses works hard, has fun, and love deeply. He chooses to fights for me, for our marriage, and for our boys; especially when we don't deserve it.

Nobody's perfect, but I'm sure glad Kyle's mine. Happy Birthday Kyle! Hope 31 is your best year yet!

This is T H I R T Y

[a story of embarrassment, grace, and adulting]

THE NIGHT BEFORE | I’m restless. Kids are both in bed at 7:30. Kyle is asleep by 9:00. I’m packing, prepping, making list, walking around aimlessly. That’s it. I’ve listened to Love, Dates, & Heartbreaks (Week 2). I’m determined to choose patience over pushy. I’m determined to choose kindness – because unkindness is a sign of weakness. A lack of self-control. I’ll be grateful for the Legos that just stabbed the bottom of my foot, because oh how I’ll miss them when they are gone. Oh how I couldn’t bear the thought of them leaving too soon. If something happened to my little boys, I’d leave a Lego by my bed forever. Just to make sure I never forgot them. I have resolved, to ignore everything I’ll forget by next week anyways, and savor my family. Savor all that there is to be grateful for. Finally, I rest.

THE DAY OF | 4:15 and ready to go. Shower. Pack. Work. Loading the car, and I realize my air pods are gone. MY AIRPODS! You know, the ones I just bought LAST WEEK. After losing a pair earlier this year. I’d already lost ANOTHER pair? What an idiot. I left them right there, on the top right corner of the note pad. On my desk at home.  Freaking nit wit. Where did they go? What kind of incompetent person can’t keep up with freaking air pods. Especially after losing the last ones. I’ll never learn. I don’t deserve nice things. I don’t deserve my kids. My family. How can I expect to manage 15,000 hours of revenue if I can’t even remember to put my air pods back in their case? Let alone keep two little humans alive. I should basically just run away, they’d be better off without me. No Kyle, I’m not yelling at you, I’m yelling at myself. The idiot that can’t keep up with her air pods. It’s not fine. I’m not fine. What can you help me with, Kyle? I DON’T KNOW – put my bag in the car, put shoes on these kids, FIND MY AIR PODS. If I have to tell you how to help I don’t need your help. KJ, I don’t care if you want to ride your bike, we’re going to school. Stop yelling. Bye. I can’t believe I lost my freaking air pods…

*plugs in iPhone*

*shuffle all music*

“He gives more grace as our burdens grow greater. He sends more strength as our labors increase. To added affliction, he adds his mercy. To multiplied trials, he multiplies peace.  When we have exhausted all our endurance, and our strength has filled but the day is not done. When we reach the end of all our resources our fathers full giving has only begun. He gives. Don’t fear that your need will exceed his provision. Our God is abounding and longing to share. Lean on the arm everlasting, unending. You and your burden the father will bear. He gives. His love has no limit. His grace has no measure. His power no boundary known unto man. From out of the infinite riches of Jesus he gives. He gives. HE GIVES!”

-The Elm Music

TODAY | I am thirty. I said a lot last week. 241 of you read it. 50+ responded. I am unendingly grateful for each and every comment, text, DM, message, and kind word spoken. Your vulnerability, empathy, and encouragement gave back 10 fold to me what I shared with you all.

In the days since, I haven’t wondered once if I regret saying “I do”. I’ve only wondered if I regret desiring more. Maybe an apathetic relationship wasn’t fulfilling, but it sure wasn’t under fire. Spiritual warfare is real, and it’s full of death traps that turn missing air pods into nuclear meltdowns for the whole family. Only the light of Jesus can conquer that darkness, and when it’s too much to pray or ask, fill your ears, your car, your heart, and your soul with the words of truth anywhere you can find them. I literally felt my heart soften and the rage subside as I let five rounds of “He gives” wash over me.

I rearranged my afternoon meetings. Went by Kyle’s office on his lunch break to give a proper good bye. Picked up KJs bike, pulled him out of school for a half hour, and rode around the neighborhood next door. I’ll be up late paying for the time lost at work, but I’ll sleep better knowing I left my family on the right terms.

Oh, and I found the air pods. On the top right corner of my note pad. On my desk. At my client. Right where I left them.

Prologue

To my work fam - I need you all to know that I hear you, I love you, and I am a-okay. I’ve got great teams, great support, a great coach, great mentors, and a shit load of work to do this busy season 😊 I signed up for ever new thing on my plate and I am excited about each and every opportunity. I appreciate all of the support that you’ve provided through two maternity leaves, and I look forward to what all of us are going to accomplish together this fiscal year. Here’s to demolishing plan and taking names. Those of you that shared concern directly and indirectly are the #1 reason I stay at Deloitte, and I cannot express enough how much I truly appreciate all of you as colleagues and friends! I didn’t mean to cause alarm, just keeping it real.

Year Eight

Today, the eight year anniversary of our wedding, is supposed to be a day of celebrating. And let me start by saying, we have SO much to celebrate. Alive. Healthy. Two beautiful boys. Wonderful neighbors. So much love and support from family on both sides, near and far. But - today is not a celebration of all of those things. It’s supposed to be a celebration of a promise, our marriage.

I’ve written and felt some things that are so deeply personal; we’ve chosen not to share them here, but there are things about this year that I want to remember. That I want my children to learn from, and that I hope, maybe someone out there, is walking into and can press through, because we shared.

This eighth year of marriage started on the rocks. At the time, I blamed it on the emotional toll of adding a second child. I blamed it on the anxiety of going back to work. In hind sight, there were other reasons, choices being made, that were driving a wedge between Kyle and I. On the surface, the challenges of every day life were seeing the consequences of that wedge, but it’d take another seven months for the root cause to surface.

I spent much of this year avoiding those challenges. Diving back into work. Trying to fill the void that was left by the constant feeling of not good enough. Not a good enough wife. Not a good enough mom. Not a good enough woman.

And then, the end of our performance year came, and I was not a good enough manager either. Honestly, I handled it like a champ outside, but it rocked me inside. Work was the one place I was consistently successful, even when I wasn’t. I knew how to respond. How to navigate challenges or constructive feedback. I was confident and capable. I am confident and capable. I accepted that I wasn’t a good enough wife or mom, but I could not accept the same at work.

It’s shameful to say all of that, but its my truth. I had to fail at work before I really started reflecting. I blamed Bryce. I blamed Kyle. I blamed myself. In the midst of birthday parties, and summer fun, and family adventure, and all of the things that made each day worth living, my heart wondered if I’d made the wrong choice. In the darkest corners of my heart, I wondered if I should have made that promise. If I should have said “I do”. If i’d committed to '“for better or for worse” naively.

Eight years ago today, I had some ideas of what “for worse” meant. I imagined getting old and needing diapers. I imagined loss of parents, loss of jobs, fighting over money and parenting. And yet, after this year, I wonder if I walked in blind. To who I was. To who Kyle was. To where this life would take us, and what I was promising. And yet, I pillowed my head every night - grateful. Confused. Hurting. Empty. Desperate for more in our relationship, but grateful for all that we had. It’s been a really confusing spiral of gratitude and desire.

Then the Lord reminded me that he knew exactly what he was dying for, and he did it anyway. Maybe in my selfish heart, if I had the Lords for-knowledge, I wouldn’t have said “I do”. But - He knew how much my sin would hurt Him, and He died a miserable death all the same. He granted me access to all of his glory and grace. Only the resentment, and pain, and frustration, and anger that I’ve felt could bear in me an appreciation for just how great His love is.

&& finally, a healing has begun. Through counselors and conversations and a lot more work, we’re moving forward. Together.

Despite all the laughter my kids bring, they can’t fulfill me.
No matter how successful I have the potential to be at work, it cannot bring me true joy.
Even at his very best, Kyle (& our marriage) can not satisfy my empty heart.

The Lord has reminded me of this message so consistently. In the Instagram stories of church friends turned fashion bloggers. In a church conversation about Love, Dates, & Heartbreaks. In the sneak peeks of a book I’m so excited for: When Less Becomes More.

As I look back on one year ago today, I remember the beginning of building walls around my heart. When I look back on today, I want to remember surrender. I want to remember joy, and gratitude, and hope. Grace. Mercy. Love!

Therefore, we will celebrate. Not just all the blessings, but the one who blesses us. Not just health, and provisions, and family, but our marriage. We will celebrate. Not what it has been, but what we will work for it to be. Nine is a special number for Kyle and I. His football number. My volleyball number. The date of our first date. Hopefully, the best year of our marriage.

Baby Bryce

Knowing KJ's birth story will help with context on my early decision making with Bryce, so here's the short version of KJ's birth story: false labor on and off for days. Minimal sleep leading up to birth. Early labor through middle of the night. Hospital at 09:00 - sent home. Waffle House. Bath. Movie. Hospital at 15:00 - admitted "barely" 4 cm. Epidural. Two movies. Nap. 3 hours of pushing. 48 hours after labor initially began, at 06:27 the following morning, KJ is finally born.

Bryce's due date came (Monday March 19th) and I hadn't even had false labor. I was dreading another long labor and really didn't want to be in the hospital for that whole time. BUT I was tired of being pregnant. So I scheduled my induction for Wednesday (03/21) & prayed labor would start on its own Tuesday night.

Tuesday morning my contractions started about 04:00 but we're at least 10 minutes apart. KJ got up at 06:30 and by 07:00 my contractions were more like 5-6 minutes apart. I was hopeful for labor but also half expected it to stop. I sent Kyle to work (he had a big client in town visiting) and took KJ to school. (Pro-Tip: don't drive while in labor. Ouch!) By the time I got home, I knew we needed to go to the hospital, but I didn't want to rush. Since we don't live 0.8 miles away anymore, I absolutely did not want to be sent home. I let Kyle's mom (Karen) know to head down from Nashville (she was on call to watch KJ since he can't come to the hospital) and I asked Kyle to come home from work. Kyle got home and started loading the car. I started the tub. In the tub I read a chapter of our monthly book club choice and ate as much as possible (no food during labor in the hospital). Around 09:30 we finally headed to the hospital. Contractions were about 3-4 minutes apart. As we parked I realized I didn't have my wallet. Assuming I needed ID to be admitted, and still fearful we had come to the hospital too early, Kyle and I headed back home for my wallet. (Pro-Tip: wallet not needed. I was actually never asked for any form of identification during my stay. I guess when you know your birthday and the mid-wife recognizes you, that's enough). By 11:00 we were back, had walked from the garage to Kennestone purple tower, and I was in L&D triage answering all the questions. When the nurse checked my cervix she chuckled and asked me the most terrifying question ever:

"Are you planning to have natural delivery?"

NO! No, I was not. She laid my bed flat, asked me not to cough, sneeze, or laugh and explained that I was already 8 cm dilated. Any further and it would be too late for an epidural. She also said I would be a perfect natural patient because I was so calm and handled my contractions so well.

Now, let me just say a few things here. Yes, the contractions hurt like a mother, but screaming doesn't make them hurt less. If I stub my toe or encounter unexpected pain, I will flail like a child and you'll think I was shot. When it comes to labor, that's just not my style. I took deep breaths through each contraction and waited for it to pass, hopeful I'd be meeting Bryce soon. What surprised me most was that contractions at 8 cm didn't hurt more than contractions at 2 cm. They just came much more frequently. I probably could have gone drug free to 10 cm but I knew that was the "easy" part of labor. I don't have a clue what pushing feels like without drugs and I certainly did not want to find out!

Thankfully I got the epidural and was to 10 cm by 13:00. What I then learned was that there is a small difference between 10 cm and "complete" (ie. ready to push). It took almost three more hours for the last bit of my cervix to clear out of the way. Finally, by 16:00, it was time to push. The rest of the story goes a lot like KJs birth. Push for an hour with very little progress. Sit up & " let gravity help" with little more progress. Push for another hour. Baby is still stuck. The on call Dr came in and agreed with the midwife - I could do it. The Dr. did help encourage (read: manually maneuver) Bryce to roll from being sunny side up which allowed him to be more helpful in the birthing process. I was also finally given a little bit of Pitocin. After another hour of rest on my side with the peanut ball. My sweet nurse also snuck me some apple juice since it's was about 20:30 and I haven't eaten since I left my house at 09:30. (I did end up throwing all of the apple juice up, hence why they don't give you anything but clear liquid).

Kyle prayed with me, again. I continued to beg the Lord for strength. I spent an hour focused completely on breathing and consuming absolutely all the oxygen I could. Between all of those things, the next round of pushing finally showed some real progress 🙌. In what seemed like no time at all they called in my midwife to catch Bryce. As he was born she said "WOW! That's a thick boy."

Tuesday March 20th at 22:48 Bryce Cooper McClung was born weighing 9 lbs. 10 oz. & 22" tall. Our little family is complete 😍

In the following days at the hospital we worked through challenges regulating blood sugar and a heart murmur that was deemed a "normal abnormality" [insert eye roll]. Most interestingly, I was reminded, again, why I love my OB practice and the midwives. If they had known KJ has his cord wrapped 3 times, his first heart rate complication likely would have resulted in an emergency C-Section. Similarly, if they had known Bryce was so big, they may not have had as much faith that I actually could deliver vaginally. These things are exactly why my OB practice chooses not to do baby weight checks or ultrasounds after the anatomy scan (20 weeks) unless absolutely necessary. They said, in the medical field, when you are aware of things that could cause complications, its too easy to make decisions based on risk and potential liability. When you don't know about the risks, particularly normal and low risks like KJ and Bryce had, it's much easier to limit medical intervention.

I am reminded again of how gracious the Lord is in answering my prayers for strength, wisdom for my care givers, and a healthy baby. If you made it this far, thanks for sticking with me, and please come visit us anytime.

B A L A N C E

Almost four months back at work – you may expect a post about balancing work and mom life. Thanks to incredibly supportive co-workers, clients, and an awesome hubby, it’s been a pretty smooth transition. I did want to share a little calendar I’ve been keeping up with.

Highlighted in green are the days I was able to work from home or took at least a half day off. Highlighted in red are the days I had an event or was traveling and didn’t see much of KJ at all.

However, that’s not really what I plan to talk about.

As I’ve picked my running routine back up, I’ve spent a lot of time pondering the balance of my content on social media. Everything seems sensitive or flat out controversial these days. Of course, most of posts are about the least controversial topic in the land - #BabyKJ!! At least, that’s what I thought before I started sharing. I have struggled so much with almost everything I post.

First there’s the problem of general over/under sharing. I do not want to live my life behind a phone and I don’t want my son to grow up with a phone in his face. I really try to get down on the floor and just be with him. However, I know there are family and friends that love to watch him grow and play too. I understand that I don’t have to share it all, but we have the technology to do so. Therefore, I try my best to capture the new or especially charming moments.

Then there’s the problem of what to share. Am I being “fair and balanced” or just painting a highlight reel of our lives? When my son is upset or when I’m having a bad day the first thing I do is absolutely not to go find my phone and record the moment. As a result, I’ve had to answer questions like “does your baby even cry?” and had people comment that my son is setting “unrealistic expectations” for their husbands. Trust me, I hear the compliment in these comments and I truly do appreciate them. I am VERY grateful to have a pretty easy going baby. I pray every day that I would not take that for granted. Obviously my son cries, and the minimal amount of time that we are with friends does not show the whole picture of parenting.

Pondering these things leaves me challenged to show more “real life” mommy moments. To show that KJ does get upset, that we do have bad days, and that this mom thing is HARD. Even though “he is totally worth it” is 100% true in hindsight – there were are moments that I doubt that truth. Moments when I genuinely wonder if I was meant to be a mom.

We lost a baby which made me long to grow our family that much more. I walked through a time in life where I felt like everyone around me was having babies and God wasn’t choosing us. I cried every single night that I saw another friend’s baby announcement. Tears of joy for them, but mostly (if we’re being honest) tears of sorrow and longing for myself. Satan tried to turn that sorrow into pity and selfishness, but God used it to sow seeds of gratitude. In my most vulnerable, sleep deprived, early days of KJs life, I wondered if God had only given us our sweet boy to shut up my constant prayers. Like a human parent with the “she’ll only make that mistake once” mindset. When I have my hardest days with KJ, I cry in frustration. As the tears roll down my cheeks I can feel the Lord remind me of my prior tears of longing, and my heart shifts from frustration to gratitude. KJ is a gift from the most loving Father. Who am I to meditate on the hard parts of parenting when there are so many out there longing for the same gift. I choose to appreciate my sweet gift and forget the moments not worth remembering.

Sure, I try to share real life. The funny, the frustrating, the insane, but it’s all filtered through a lenses of gratitude. That is something I will not apologize for.

So, maybe my feed won’t be fair and balanced after all, but I think I’m ok with that.

Note: I understand that sharing the positive perspective of my life can still be seen as boasting, which I don’t want to do. Also, I am in no way trying to insinuate that people who share more frustrating/funny/insane moments are ungrateful parents. I understand that as KJ continues to grow up I will probably continue to have more chaos to share. I still have a lot to learn. I’ve barley been a mom as long as I was pregnant, and I only have one kid. I hate that I am writing this disclaimer. I am not a people pleaser, but I just want to share my heart while doing my best not to offend anyone.

Dinner for 3!

I planned to post his blog around Thanksgiving because you know, food, thanksgiving… well, the holiday season happened and here we are. Better late than never, right? ß That’s also what I wrote on the back of the unmailed Christmas cards I found on my desk. #oops

-----

I love to cook, but typically don’t have the time after work. One think I looked forward to doing while on maternity leave was fixing more fresh meals. Well, no surprise here, juggling a newborn nap schedule and constant need to feed proved to make cooking very difficult. I was still determined to give it my best shot. So, I decided to test out as many meal delivery services as I could find a referral or coupon code for. Below I’ve summarized the pros (+) and cons (-) of each.

Peach Dish [$10 off with PHbu6hwU] $12.50 pp/pm*
+ Ingredients sorted by meal.
+ Short and simple instructions
+ Minimal prep time & not too many things cooking at once
+ I could re-create these recipes from Kroger (except the magic “PeachDish salt”)
+ two thumbs up from Kyle
- not a huge variety of meals to choose from each week
- local delivery only (not a con for me, but may be for anyone outside of Atlanta. You’re missing out)

Now, I’ll pause here to say that after PeachDish, I was hooked! Kyle loved every ingredient to every meal, the portions were right, the flavor was good, and I didn’t have to worry about the meat being done 15 minutes before the vegetables while wrangling an infant. PeachDish set the bar HIGH! I thought to myself “if a tiny local company like Peach Dish is this good, I can’t wait for the next seven weeks”. [ S P O I L E R | A L E R T ]. It’s seven weeks later and Peach Dish’s high bar was never surpassed. Many of the thing that we liked about PeachDish (easy to follow recipe cards, ingredients sorted by meal, general convenience of the service) held true for all of the other meal delivery services. However, the food never did. I wasn’t in this for new exotic recipes or ingredients, I just wanted a new twist on foods I already like and easier planning. PeachDish did that best.

Blue Apron [$30 off with code ‘UNDISCLOSED’ or ‘TRUTH’] $9.99 pp/pm*
+ More meal options
+ Larger portions (usually had a side salad)
- Ingredients not sorted by meal (yes, the meal cards listed which ingredients you needed and all of the ingredients were nicely labeled and measured, but I wanted SO EASY, and this was one more step that made it just a bit more difficult)
- We got double the meat for one recipe, and no chicken for another recipe (they did give us a credit back for this error, but it still caused me to have to figure out something else for dinner that week.)
- L O T S of prep (wash, dice, chop, mince, slice, etc.)
- longer cook time & more complicated recipes

If you’re looking to try foods you would never try before, Blue Apron is for you. The recipes are certainly adventurous and different. Unfortunately, that’s not what we were looking for. We actually ended up doing two weeks of Blue Apron and had to order Chinese or Pizza for at least one meal each week.

Hello Fresh [$40 off with U2HHUF] $11.50 pp/pm*
+ Welcome call.
+ Recipe cards sent for every meal available that week, not just the meals we selected.
+ Condiments provided in cute little glass jars
+ Large portions
- One of their ice packs broke and leaked gel goop in our box
- Multiple follow-up calls after cancelling

Home Chef [$30 off with this link] $9.95 pp/pm*
+ Largest selection of meals from any company
+ Breakfast, smoothies, and seasonal fruit also available
+ Recipes came hole punched and they sent a binder for storage (I ended up hole punching all of the recipe cards from every company and keeping them in this nice plastic half inch binder)

Now that I’m typing this out, I’m not sure why Home Chef didn’t take the cake over Peach Dish. It’s cheaper, has more options, and had no cons. Maybe it’s the fact that I have a thing for supporting local small business, or maybe it’s my fear that I’d starting ordering breakfasts and smoothies and blow the budget. Home Chef really was great, and if you’re not in the Atlanta area or want a slightly cheaper option, this is your go to!

Plated [Everyone gets first meal for two free] $12.00 pp/pm*
+ Dessert available
+ Welcome e-mail
+ Large protein portions
- Mostly unique/adventurous type meals
- Longer prep and/or cook time

Sunbasket [$30 with Teresa255359] $10.75 pp/pm*
+ Organic & non-GMO.
+ Paleo & glutten free meals available.
+ Breakfast Available
+ Instructions and supplies for easier recycling of insulation included- Delivery only available on Wednesdays
- Must call to cancel subscription

Green Chef [2 meals for 2 people free with this link] $11.00 pp/pm*
+ Ingredient labels color coordinated to match recipe card
+ Many items already diced (tomatoes, onions, etc.)
+ Sauces/Dressings already made
- Must choose a ‘meal plan’ which includes a specific set of meals for the week instead of picking individual meals.

Terra’s Kitchen [$30 off with FALL16] $ varies pp/pm*
+ Ingredients pre-chopped.
+ Prices vary by meal.
+ Gluten free & Paleo available.
+ Add individual items (extra protein, fruit, pasta) to delivery vessel at low cost until it’s full
- Fancy website but not functional
- TOO EXPENSIVE! I must admit, we didn’t even try this one. All of the above is based on what I learned during the ordering process. 3 meals for 2 + a lunch salad was going to be $95. Even with a $30 coupon code I couldn’t pull the trigger. I’m sure the cool delivery vessel and not having to do ANY cutting is awesome, but that luxury doesn’t fit our budget.

*Note – the prices I have included are the prices that I paid for a general plan. Some companies offer lower cost meal plans (vegetarian) or higher cost meal plans (Gluten Free, Paleo, Extra meat, etc.)

Behind the Pictures | Fitness + Travel

This month, I officially jumped into training for a race, and we took our first trip on an airplane. Here’s a few things I learned about both.

----- F I T N E S S -----

> Find smooth sidewalks! I never noticed how janky our ‘historic’ sidewalks were until I thought Baby KJ was going to fly out of his car seat on our first run. Speaking of car seats…

> A stroller that qualifies as both a jogger (rubber wheels) and a travel system (includes car seat adapter) is a huge bonus for running with a young baby. It is very nice to be able to attach the bucket car seat to the stroller for nature and the mall.

> It’s not just pushing a stroller that makes running harder. Sure, I knew the extra weight was going to be a burden but wow! Running up hills without your arms to drive you is killer on the gluteus ++ navigating the stroller with one hand is the greatest forearm workout of all time. I’ve had to settle for adding a minute per mile to my usual pace, and that is only after working my way up to running without walk breaks.

> Getting back to running hasn’t been as hard expected. Being that I only started running a few years ago, those first horrible miles are still burned in my memory. I thought getting back to it was going to be just as bad, or worse. However, now I have a self confidence that I didn’t have back then. In the past, I truly set on my long runs wondering if I’d make it home alive. Now, it is hard, but I know I can do it. Time + Patience is all I need.

> Weight training has been a huge challenge. I can stick KJ in the stroller almost any time. If he’s awake he just looks around, coos, and enjoys the fresh air. If he’s asleep, or getting cranky/tired, he wines for about five minutes and then puts himself to sleep. Everything else has been so hard. If I’m in the house it is so hard to choose fitness over other tasks when I’m not holding or entertaining KJ. Whether it’s running or joining a gym, I recommend getting out of the house for workouts.

Whatever your fitness goals are – give yourself grace. YOU GOT THIS! The best things I did for myself were register for events so that I had something to work toward. I chose events that I’d enjoy. This weekend I’ll be running the Tough Mudder for the third year in a row with my family, and next weekend is my first half marathon back. I signed up for the Wine and Dine Half at Disney. Can’t worry about time goals there because it’s more important to grab a picture with all of the characters in route.

----- T R A V E L -----

> Arrive Early. I say this, knowing I’ll probably never take my own advice. I have TSA PreCheck, and I rarely check a bag. I typically arrive 30-40 minutes before departure. For my first flight with a newborn, I arrived at Hartsfield Jackson approximately 55 minutes before departure (HA!). Kyle almost had a meltdown and he wasn’t even going with us. By the time I got to the counter to check my bags, I was only 44 minutes early, which is too late. I had to be escorted to a special check in counter. If my bags didn’t make it on the plane it was my fault. Delta would put them on the next plane but I would have to come pick them up at the airport. They would not deliver them. Considering that we were staying an hour from the airport and KJ’s convertible car seat was one of my “bags” this could have been a catastrophe. So, if not for allowing time to deal with the all of the possible delays a baby can cause (hungry, cranky, blow out diaper, throw up, etc.) – do it for the car seat!

> Bring the BARE MINIMUM on the plane. Little babies don’t need much for entertainment. Bring a change of clothes, a diaper for every 2ish hours, and food/pacifier in a backpack diaper bag. A baby keeps your hands full, even if you’re wearing them. The lighter your load, the easier the adventure. In my checked bag I also brought this stroller and this car seat dolly which were both amazingly handy.

> Use all the tricks. If you’ve read any baby book, you know they have rules. Don’t nurse your baby to sleep. Don’t let them sleep longer than a certain number of hours. Live by your schedule, no matter what. Blah, blah, blah. When you’re on the plane, let that all go and just keep your baby happy. You won’t ‘ruin’ them in a matter of hours.

> Be prepared for change, for better or for worse. During our time in New York, KJ decided he pretty much hated his car seat – yikes! However, he also decided to sleep through the night. Neither of those things stuck with him on our return home. I can speculate for ages on what caused each but babies are always changing so it’s best to just remember that even on vacation you never know what’s coming. Roll with the punches like you would at home and don’t let it ruin your trip.

> Everyone has an opinion. I haven’t encountered so much unsolicited commentary as I did during this trip. I am out and about in Atlanta pretty often, but maybe it was just the yankees in NY that surprised me. Some commentary was sweet: Ooohs and awwwws at my adorable little bundle. Some was rude: ‘that baby is too young for this temperature’ + ‘can’t she feed him in the bathroom’ + ‘I would never [insert pretty much anything]’. Some commentary was even silent. Like the man who sat down new me on the train, took one glance over at KJ (who was being silent by the way), breathed a deep sigh of disgust, and promptly moved to another part of the train. As my husband would say – smile at the good stuff and let the rest roll off like water on a ducks back.

I’ve always loved to travel. While traveling with a baby does require some adjustment, I do not believe it’s impossible. We’ll continue to learn together. We have another flight next weekend and two in December. Let the adventure continue!

25% of your first year of live has passed Baby Boy. Onto the next months we go.

*NOTE* the links included are just for your convenience to see the products that I use to help make Fitness + Travel easier for me and Baby KJ. They are not advertisements, endorsements, or anything else indicating that I may benefit from sharing them with you.

Behind the Pictures | Who am I?

The girl B E H I N D the camera taking all of the pictures. Who is she? Lately I’ve been asking myself this question. Trying to figure out who I am now. I find that my answers are the same as they have always been:

I am a child of the King.

I am a wife to Kyle McClung.

I am a Senior Consultant at Deloitte.

I am an amateur runner.

I am a painter, scrapbooker, wood worker, and avid reader.

I am a Krispy Kreme, Hershey’s chocolate, and Mexican food lover.

-- Then why do I feel so different? --
The obvious answer is because I am now also mom to
Kyle Howard McClung Jr.

 [aka - KJ / Baby KJ / cage / bubba / little man / big guy / sunshine / && whatever other random names come out of my mouth each morning].

You see that was the problem. When KJ was born, I threw myself fully at being mom. I lost myself in the mess of dirty diapers, midnight feedings, and tears (both mine and his). Somehow, I had this expectation that meeting him would make everything right in the world and be all I ever needed in life. Over the past month I’ve come to realize that is not true. The rest of me did not disappear when KJ joined our lives. I still long for intimacy with my savior and my husband. I still miss the challenge and satisfaction of a hard day’s work. I still need to feel the agony, and subsequent euphoria, that comes only from conquering a long run. You see where this is going…

I felt different because I was acting different. This month, I’ve made a conscious effort to find myself again. It has given me life, y’all! I have the capacity to be a better, more patient, mom and wife when I’ve spent time on me. When I’ve had some chocolate, read a good book, found time for a bath, or hobbled through a long run. I haven’t been back to work yet (PRAISE!), but I’m sure it’ll give me the same sense of pride as before.

I’m not saying I’ve got everything figured out. We’ve had plenty of melt downs, taken two hours to fall asleep, cried (both he and I), and felt completely lost and frustrated, but I’m starting to find myself again.

Whether you’re about to be a mom, are a new mom, or are a long time mom – don’t lose yourself. You are your best for everyone else if you prioritize yourself. We, as women, are often horrible at this, but it is so important. If you need tips – check out the book Fringe Hours by Jessica Turner. It’s been instrumental in helping me find time for myself.

Cheers to surviving month number two!

Behind the Pictures | First Month as Mom

I LOVE Instagram, but it's just a highlight real.
I want to make sure I've recorded life behind the pictures.

It's important to understand that my pictures and commentary are in no way contrived. They are truly the sweetest moments with #BabyKJ. They are the moments that make it all worth it, but they are just that - moments.

I have a pretty easy baby (so far). He only cries when he's hungry; He is a little fussy when he gets tired, and he grunts when he has to poop. He sleeps just like his daddy -- falls asleep fast and is not woken by kids, dogs, trains, lawn mowers, door bells, or being taken in and out of his car seat. I am forever grateful for his go with the flow personality and his adaptability.

All of that to say, even as great as he has been, the early weeks of mom life have been SO hard for me! Monday I uttered the words I knew would one day come, but never imagined so soon -- I told Kyle I want to go back to work. I want a day care worker to get to know my baby for me and then tell me what to do. I want to spend my days where I feel confident; a place where I have measurable metrics for success. I didn't want to take on this new challenge of being a mom to a newborn anymore.

[PLEASE KEEP READING, IF YOU STOP HERE YOURE GOING TO THINK I'M A HORRIBLE PERSON]

Thankfully, the Lord blessed me with the perfect husband for me and Kyle helped me work through the crazy emotions that had me ready to give up. You've all heard the saying 'love is a choice'. I've spent the past 9 years coming to understand that choice in my relationship with Kyle, but never did I imagine I'd have to choose to love my children. Don't get my wrong, I LOVE this sweet baby with my whole soul. However, to act on that love can be really hard when communication seems to go only one way. To continue to serve someone that can do nothing for themselves is exhausting. God is humbling me daily so that I can be capable to serve and love KJ well && the funniest part is -- the next day after I wanted to go back to work was almost perfect. I managed to understand KJ's cries and meet every need without a major melt down. It's like a funny little reminder that this challenge is one I should approach the way I do work. I would never truly quit on something I couldn't do at work. The results would be detrimental to my career. How much more important is this new job title of mom. I will learn from each day, I will acknowledge my mistakes, and although there is no right answer I will still seek wise counsel. Baby KJ and I will come to know and love each other more through it.

Behind every picture are a million more moments. Some are not so sweet, but all of them are perfectly crafted to help me become the best version of myself. Be encouraged in every challenge you're facing today friends. They say 'the days are long, but the years fly by.' I'm only one month in but I'd say they are right.

Happy one month of life Baby KJ!

Behind the Pictures | Baby KJ’s Birth Story

Imagine you’re Kyle – it’s late Friday evening and you’re laying down to rest while your wife continues through epidural induced bliss, waiting for complete dilation. You hear the nurse come into a dimly lit room and gently talk to your wife. Minutes later, 6 more nurses swiftly enter the room and every light is flipped on. You open your eyes to your wife being flipped from side to side and then tiled heels over head in her bed. You catch her eyes and try not to show your fear as she peeks between the bed railings. You notice that she’s clinging to it with her left hand while she holds an oxygen mask with her right. Our primary nurse instructs another to ‘hit her’ with some drug you’re not familiar with. The midwife enters the room and begins to feel her back and belly. All you can do is pray – and then finally – you hear everyone in the room exhale. The machines stop beeping, the extra nurses clean up and leave calmly. The midwife says good job and follows them out.

That was the worst of a few scares we had during delivery, but let me take you back to the beginning...

----- Wednesday, July 20th -----

I had my first “contractions” which I’ll now just call cramps. I think my mind was playing tricks on me as I hoped for a baby to arrive on my time line.

----- Thursday, July 21st (Due Date)----- 

At my 40 week appointment, I’d made no significant progress since my 1.5 cm / 60% / -2 measurements that I was given at 37 weeks.

[Side Bar | They measure for dilation (completed at 10 cm), effacement (completed at 100%) and the baby’s stage, which is also known as centimeters above and below the pelvis. Stage of -5 is where they start measuring above the pelvis and +5 is crowning. This is helpful to know in order to understand the story of how we progressed through labor.]

Needless to say, I left the office Thursday disappointed that #BabyKJ was obviously going to be late. Around 11:00pm Thursday night, I woke up to contractions that were about 10 minutes apart. They lasted until about 3:00am.

----- Friday, July 22nd -----

Those early morning contractions subsided to a varied frequency. They'd come every 15 minutes for a few hours and then slow to being one per hour, but they persisted ALL DAY and into the night. In hindsight, I know this was what they call ‘false labor’ or ‘pre labor’. These contractions were uncomfortable, but not yet painful. They provide no progress toward birth, but are many peoples bodies’ way of preparing for true labor.

----- Saturday, July 23rd -----

Around 3:30 am I woke to painful contractions coming every 10 – 12 minutes. These lasted all morning and were consistent in timing. I wanted to go to the hospital but I didn’t want to wake Kyle in the middle of the night for nothing. So, I waited it out until around 8:00 am. We packed the car and made the long (2.5 mile) drive to the hospital. My contractions were still about 7 – 9 minutes apart and causing me to pause while walking or talking. We entered the Labor and Delivery triage. My progress measurements... 2cm / 80% / -2. Tears! They sent me home and said it was probably still false labor. FALSE LABOR!? You have to be kidding me. All of that pain for ZERO progress. I officially declared we would not be having any more children. (Ha!)

[Side Bar | I was told at least a dozen times to come to the hospital once I had contractions coming at least every 5 minutes, so painful I couldn’t walk or talk through them, and had lasted at least an hour. So, while I was upset to be sent home Saturday morning, I knew that would be the result. I had not met the requirements given to me by every midwife I saw, but I wanted to think I was special and my contractions must have been working better that most. After all, they hurt SO bad. #firsttimemom]

After we left the hospital, Kyle decided to treat me to one last Saturday morning Waffle House date, and then we’d spend some time relaxing and trying to make the contractions go away. Our hope was too visit the Atlanta Ice Cream Festival and attend Henry’s First Christmas in July Birthday Party that afternoon. I did EVERYTHING the nurses (and the internet) said would end false labor. Took a hot bath, watched a movie, tried to nap, rolled on an exercise ball, drank lots of water, and took a hot shower. Nothing worked. When I got out of the shower I proclaimed that this MUST be real. My contractions were consistently every 4 – 5 minutes, and I couldn’t walk or talk through them (sound familiar? See side bar above). We were going to the hospital and we were staying this time. I just knew it!

At 3:30 pm, we got back to triage. I went to the same room, was checked by the same nurse, and was glad to hear I’d made it to 3cm / 90% / -2. That was enough to garner me a stay in the hospital. They took me to the labor and delivery floor and got me an epidural immediately. I was in heaven. Sending snap chats, texting friends and family, #BabyKJ was coming. We learned in class that the average first time moms take up to 18 hours to deliver. I wasn't sure when true labor had started so I was prepared for a long night, but hoped to have a baby by the end of the day or very early the next morning. I had a few low blood pressure readings and I didn’t react to the normal medication so they got some extra help from the nurse anesthetist, but no one seemed too panicked. We noticed KJ’s heart rate dropped a few times based on my position changes, so I pretty much stayed put on my left side. He was being sensitive, but doing ok. Shift change was at 7:00 pm and that’s when my wonderful nurse Megan joined the team. We had 12 hours for her shift and we were going to have a baby with her by golly. She gave me popsicles, checked my vitals, everything moving along, it was just slow. I had watched Pitch Perfect and was reading a book on my phone when she came in to do the last check late Friday night. She rolled me to my back, looked at the monitor with big eyes and immediately said – “nope, let’s roll you back to your side”. Before I knew it I had an oxygen mask and was upside down in my bed. Nurses were flipping me left to right and then up on my head. I peeked through the bed rails and saw Kyle. He looked mortified. He looked down at me and tried to hide his fear with a smile and a wink. Back to my left side I was flipped where I noticed tons of extra feet in the room. I heard the midwife walk in. She asked the nurses some questions I didn't understand and was poking and prodding at me. Apparently I was on my 6th consecutive contraction and KJ was on minute 4 of heart deceleration. They put something in my IV and then there was finally relief. Because of the epidural I hadn’t even realized how tight my back and belly had been until the midwife was poking and I it was suddenly squishier. Everyone left except Megan who then explained what happened. Basically we hit a position that KJ really didn’t like along with consecutively strong contractions and low blood pressure. He was going downhill fast. As soon as they found a better position and provided a drug to stop the contraction he came right back to normal. It was a close call, but one the Lord brought us through. The midwife then came back and completed the measurement that started this chaos. I was 10 cm / 100% / -1. Hooray! It was time to push. However, she explained that because of the sensitivity KJ had shown throughout the evening, they wanted to be prepared for the worst in-case he didn’t handle pushing well. I sat straight up and down in the bed to allow him to start dropping into lower stages and they set everything up for a c-section, just in case. Because there were only a few patients on the floor, the Dr. from my practice was on call right outside my room. Since it was almost time for the most painful part of the night, I thought it’d be a good time to try and get my epidural fixed. It has been working too strong on the right side and not strong enough on the left. The nurse anesthetist did some wiggling and re-dosed me with more meds which put my whole lower body to sleep.

----- Sunday, July 24th -----

2:15 am - After they were set for the C-section and I'd spent an hour sitting straight up it was time to push. I pushed for 45 minutes and made no progress at all. I was too numb. I sat back up for an hour to let the re-dose wear off and let gravity pull him a bit lower. 4:00 am – time to push again. The nurse showed back up and we got started. She’d call the midwife when he was past stage 0. I pushed for 30 minutes making very slow progress. I was tired and frustrated but just kept trying. I prayed between each push that the Lord give me strength I did not have within myself. Another nurse on the hall had finished her delivery and wandered in to see if she could help. Since my nurse was alone, she stayed to help me push. That nurse (another Angel from the Lord) said something that made it all click. Suddenly, I understood where to push and started making much better progress. Still, I was exhausted and wasn’t quite far enough along. By 5:10, the midwife came back. KJ was handling pushing well, but now I was the one at risk. Pushing for too long was not healthy. She gave me until 6:10 to get him past 0 stage or we’d have to consider a C-section again. I pushed until 6:00. I had 10 minutes left and I was so close. After declining a mirror many times, Megan mentioned again that she could see the head and she thought if I could see it it’d give me the last boost of energy to finish. I figured why not. Turns out, she was right. Something about seeing our baby put me into super woman mode. I made it into the safe zone and cried tears of joy knowing there was absolutely no more risk of an emergency C-section anymore. Megan was typing on the computer, and the midwife went to put on her delivery gear. I asked if I could continue to push. They said “sure…” as if they didn’t think it’d make a difference. Just a few pushes later they both turned back and saw that he was crowning. Both Megan and my midwife were the biggest supporters through this whole thing. They were fully on my side and might have been more proud that I was that we'd made it to the finish line. I will forever love them both!

As his head emerged, the cord was wrapped 3 times. The midwife unwrapped it. One more push, and there he was. 6:27 am - screaming and purple - YIKES! The cord and his color scared me a bit but all the medical staff said it was a relief to know what was causing his distress. If he’d come out looking normal, they’d have still been worried about proper heart development or other potential problems. He spent a few minutes at the warmer and pinked up right away. He spent the next hour on my chest. The rest is history.

----- Happy Birthday #BabyKJ -----

Boy Mom

**I am transitioning only my most recent posts to this blog. This post was originally published January 17, 2016 at twalrond.blogspot.com. There you can find additional posts from 2011 and prior**

I haven't always dreamed of being a mom. In fact, for a while I said I didn't want kids. First, there was the screaming lady who gave birth on the sidewalk in some show I saw when I was about 7 years old. Then there was the thought that my Olympic gymnastics dreams would take my entire life to fulfill and kids didn't fit into that picture. Later, there was the period of my life where I couldn't even imagine myself married (I was on the Oprah train - Sr. Executive VP, Queen of the World, work over everything). Finally, at some point, I asked God to lead the desires of my heart to align with his plan for my life. So, I decided I'd just make Sr. Manager first, and then maybe have kids. After more praying I relented, ok - just manager, then kids. Most recently (April 2014), I spent my first half marathon mulling over all the random things that came to mind, and the last hour of that race was pretty much me arguing with the Lord about why I wasn't ready to have kids, and him softening my heart to his timing. Fine I thought, I'll just have them now. How hard could it be...

April 2014: the birth control went in the trash

October 2014: baby #1 went to heaven [more on that in previous post]

November 2015: Dr.'s Appointment to begin fertility assessment.

On a chilly Friday morning in November, about a week after hearing back from the Dr. that all of my blood work looked normal I laid in bed not wanting to get up. I had told Kyle the night before that he was next for testing, and I couldn't think of anything else worth talking about this morning. I just stayed in bed, pretending to sleep, while he got ready and left for bible study. I finally got up, went to pee, and thought "let me just pee on this stick [like I had 3 days a week, for the last week of each cycle, for the last year] and confirm I need to take supplies with me to work in-case Aunt Flow comes today" Much to my surprise, before I could even set the test on the counter to go about my morningthere were TWO PINK LINES! Instant tears. Ran to the phone. Called Kyle. "you need to come home RIGHT NOW (click)" && then I stood at the front door, shaking and crying, for what seemed like the longest two minutes of my life. Kyle finally got home, looked at me, looked at the test, and acted like his usual calm cool and collected self. [Big Hug!] "Oh boy..." [kiss on the forehead] "I love you. I gotta go, I'm going to be late" I have no recollection of the rest of the day.

A week or so later I called to schedule the viability scan with the Dr. and it wasn't until that moment that the fear really sunk in. What if this is just a repeat of last year. WHAT IF...  like a rush of wind, my heart was still. If I've ever experienced the power of prayer, that was it. I know for a fact people were praying for me. I asked them too, and I trust that people do what they say they will. People were praying specifically for my anxiety, but it was not until that moment that I felt it. I felt it in my core. A moment I've stored away forever. It's like my body refused to be anxious and my heart said, "you'll just have to wait and see how it goes"

From the very first scan everything looked right on track. We had the privilege of having two early ultrasounds as well as a new OB visit and genetic pre-screening. I'm officially 13 weeks and 3 days today. To take this back to where I started -- I haven't always dreamed of being a mom, but when I considered motherhood I certainly favored the idea of having a boy. OF COURSE, I would love the heck out of a little girl, and maybe one day I'll get that privilege. Huge bows, sparkles, purple everything, I know I'd be crazy to say that doesn't seem awesome. However, as many of you know, the longing for a boy was the strongest. One perk of the genetic screening included a look at the sex chromosome and they let us know it's an XY [cue more tears]! All my dreams come true.

We have a long road ahead, and there's still one really important reason that I've written all of this to go along with the photo. I share this news with a heavy heart.

IF YOU READ ANYTHING -- READ THIS PART BELOW

From October 2014 to November 2015 I had 49 friends, family members or co-workers post pregnancy announcements. That is almost one per week. I have every single name in a note on my phone., and many of them now include their children's name and birthdate. Every single one was a tough moment for me, but every single one is a reminder of the Lord's goodness. The miracle of life is a beautiful one, and it is a blessing I do not take for granted. I have been hesitant to post anything because I just ache for the women out there who may wish their belly growing a baby or their adoption paperwork had been accepted. I pray that the Lord love and comfort anyone out there longing for another baby whether it's their first or fourth. It's a tough road to walk, but it's one SO MANY OTHERS are on too. I know that not all infertility stories have a happy ending, but I'm thankful for our little KJ and I am grateful for every single day he is ours. 95 days, and [lord willing] many more to come.

I love you all. Thank you so much for doing life with me, and thank you in advance for loving Kyle Howard McClung Jr. like I know you all will.

"We have this hope as an anchor to our soul, firm and secure..." Hebrews 6:19

Jesus is Enough

**I am transitioning only my most recent posts to this blog. This post was originally published May 9, 2015 at twalrond.blogspot.com. There you can find additional posts from 2011 and prior**

I  can't count the number of long runs I spent drafting this post in my head. Never coming up with anything worthy to be inked into the permanent archives of the interwebs && then there was the Lord through Louie Giglio. A call to let our light shine. A call to share in both our victories & our losses. And so, on a day where I'm feeling too much to write, I pray the Lord leads my fingers to share His Glory with you all.

May 9th - It's a sweet day for Kyle and I. This year, it's a different kind of sweet. I wanted to think it'd be bitter sweet, but Jesus is enough. It's still sweet. Here are a few facts that are important to know for the rest of this post to come together.

• I have always lived my life in the extremes. Elated. Devastated. Joyful. Hopeless. Queen of the world. Angry at the world.
• In middle school and high school I went to family counseling [more on this in another post]. I learned that the best way to manage those extremes was with an anchor. Enter Hebrews 6:19 into my heart and life.
• I grew up in church -- Methodist then Baptist. My dad was in the band. My mom was on the hiring committee. I was the undefeated Bible drill champion && had the most memory verse stickers on the wall. I didn't really understand what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus, but when I began reciting Hebrews 6:19 in the extremes, I felt it change my heart. I surrendered my life to Christ in 7th grade, much to the surprise of many of my church friends [more on this too someday].

Tuesday May 9th, 2007 was the day that Kyle and I went on our first real date. It was dinner at Cheddar's. The steak was horrible, but it's still my favorite place to eat in Hendersonville. I no longer order their steak.

---

Friday May 9th, 2015 was the due date of our first child. A child we will meet only in heaven.

In April 2014, we decided we'd stop trying to prevent children. In August 2014, I got my first positive pregnancy test. In September, I heard our first child's heartbeat. In October, that heartbeat was gone. I could type for hours, and walk you through every moment of that two months. Excited. Shocked. Hopeful. Terrified. Giddy. Still Terrified. So many laughs. So many tears. Moments I'll remember forever. 

The following months were more extremes. Anger. Peace. Frustration. Love. Heartbreak. Joy. Lots & lots & LOTS of questions. And then there was my anchor. The Hope that saved my life. Hebrews 6:19. I recited it day and night. I prayed it through 31 [yes, THIRTY ONE] pregnancy announcements made by my friends. I sang it in joy and I cried it on Kyle's shoulder. I tattooed it on my wrist. I will never  forget the Hope that has been my anchor through so many of life's extremes. 

"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."

 -Hebrews 6:13-20

I want to write down a list of times I felt the Lord hug me over the past year. I want to share every other verse I've been blessed by during this season. I want to tell you how we planned to tell our parents, and what happened in the days after that silent sonogram. I want to tell you that I'm already pregnant again (I'm not). I want to say so much, but I'm not sure how. I've learned so much about myself, about my wonderful husband, about my gracious Savior, about my loving friends, my supporting family, my wonderful coworkers. I want to shout it all out, but I think the Lord's still allowing me to soak it in. As we've recently gone through national infertility awareness week and we're heading into mother's day, let me leave you with this. Jesus is enough. Sunshine, spontaneous travel, cuddly puppies, and all the other things He's blessed us with are SO SO GREAT, but Jesus, all by himself, is 100% enough.