**I am transitioning only my most recent posts to this blog. This post was originally published May 9, 2015 at twalrond.blogspot.com. There you can find additional posts from 2011 and prior**
I can't count the number of long runs I spent drafting this post in my head. Never coming up with anything worthy to be inked into the permanent archives of the interwebs && then there was the Lord through Louie Giglio. A call to let our light shine. A call to share in both our victories & our losses. And so, on a day where I'm feeling too much to write, I pray the Lord leads my fingers to share His Glory with you all.
May 9th - It's a sweet day for Kyle and I. This year, it's a different kind of sweet. I wanted to think it'd be bitter sweet, but Jesus is enough. It's still sweet. Here are a few facts that are important to know for the rest of this post to come together.
- I have always lived my life in the extremes. Elated. Devastated. Joyful. Hopeless. Queen of the world. Angry at the world.
- In middle school and high school I went to family counseling [more on this in another post]. I learned that the best way to manage those extremes was with an anchor. Enter Hebrews 6:19 into my heart and life.
- I grew up in church -- Methodist then Baptist. My dad was in the band. My mom was on the hiring committee. I was the undefeated Bible drill champion && had the most memory verse stickers on the wall. I didn't really understand what it meant to have a relationship with Jesus, but when I began reciting Hebrews 6:19 in the extremes, I felt it change my heart. I surrendered my life to Christ in 7th grade, much to the surprise of many of my church friends [more on this too someday].
Tuesday May 9th, 2007 was the day that Kyle and I went on our first real date. It was dinner at Cheddar's. The steak was horrible, but it's still my favorite place to eat in Hendersonville. I no longer order their steak.
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Friday May 9th, 2015 was the due date of our first child. A child we will meet only in heaven.
In April 2014, we decided we'd stop trying to prevent children. In August 2014, I got my first positive pregnancy test. In September, I heard our first child's heartbeat. In October, that heartbeat was gone. I could type for hours, and walk you through every moment of that two months. Excited. Shocked. Hopeful. Terrified. Giddy. Still Terrified. So many laughs. So many tears. Moments I'll remember forever.
The following months were more extremes. Anger. Peace. Frustration. Love. Heartbreak. Joy. Lots & lots & LOTS of questions. And then there was my anchor. The Hope that saved my life. Hebrews 6:19. I recited it day and night. I prayed it through 31 [yes, THIRTY ONE] pregnancy announcements made by my friends. I sang it in joy and I cried it on Kyle's shoulder. I tattooed it on my wrist. I will never forget the Hope that has been my anchor through so many of life's extremes.
"When God made his promise to Abraham, since there was no one greater for him to swear by, he swore by himself, saying, “I will surely bless you and give you many descendants.” And so after waiting patiently, Abraham received what was promised.People swear by someone greater than themselves, and the oath confirms what is said and puts an end to all argument. Because God wanted to make the unchanging nature of his purpose very clear to the heirs of what was promised, he confirmed it with an oath. God did this so that, by two unchangeable things in which it is impossible for God to lie, we who have fled to take hold of the hope set before us may be greatly encouraged. We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain, where our forerunner, Jesus, has entered on our behalf. He has become a high priest forever, in the order of Melchizedek."
-Hebrews 6:13-20
I want to write down a list of times I felt the Lord hug me over the past year. I want to share every other verse I've been blessed by during this season. I want to tell you how we planned to tell our parents, and what happened in the days after that silent sonogram. I want to tell you that I'm already pregnant again (I'm not). I want to say so much, but I'm not sure how. I've learned so much about myself, about my wonderful husband, about my gracious Savior, about my loving friends, my supporting family, my wonderful coworkers. I want to shout it all out, but I think the Lord's still allowing me to soak it in. As we've recently gone through national infertility awareness week and we're heading into mother's day, let me leave you with this. Jesus is enough. Sunshine, spontaneous travel, cuddly puppies, and all the other things He's blessed us with are SO SO GREAT, but Jesus, all by himself, is 100% enough.