**I am transitioning only my most recent posts to this blog. This post was originally published January 17, 2016 at twalrond.blogspot.com. There you can find additional posts from 2011 and prior**
I haven't always dreamed of being a mom. In fact, for a while I said I didn't want kids. First, there was the screaming lady who gave birth on the sidewalk in some show I saw when I was about 7 years old. Then there was the thought that my Olympic gymnastics dreams would take my entire life to fulfill and kids didn't fit into that picture. Later, there was the period of my life where I couldn't even imagine myself married (I was on the Oprah train - Sr. Executive VP, Queen of the World, work over everything). Finally, at some point, I asked God to lead the desires of my heart to align with his plan for my life. So, I decided I'd just make Sr. Manager first, and then maybe have kids. After more praying I relented, ok - just manager, then kids. Most recently (April 2014), I spent my first half marathon mulling over all the random things that came to mind, and the last hour of that race was pretty much me arguing with the Lord about why I wasn't ready to have kids, and him softening my heart to his timing. Fine I thought, I'll just have them now. How hard could it be...
April 2014: the birth control went in the trash
October 2014: baby #1 went to heaven [more on that in previous post]
November 2015: Dr.'s Appointment to begin fertility assessment.
On a chilly Friday morning in November, about a week after hearing back from the Dr. that all of my blood work looked normal I laid in bed not wanting to get up. I had told Kyle the night before that he was next for testing, and I couldn't think of anything else worth talking about this morning. I just stayed in bed, pretending to sleep, while he got ready and left for bible study. I finally got up, went to pee, and thought "let me just pee on this stick [like I had 3 days a week, for the last week of each cycle, for the last year] and confirm I need to take supplies with me to work in-case Aunt Flow comes today" Much to my surprise, before I could even set the test on the counter to go about my morningthere were TWO PINK LINES! Instant tears. Ran to the phone. Called Kyle. "you need to come home RIGHT NOW (click)" && then I stood at the front door, shaking and crying, for what seemed like the longest two minutes of my life. Kyle finally got home, looked at me, looked at the test, and acted like his usual calm cool and collected self. [Big Hug!] "Oh boy..." [kiss on the forehead] "I love you. I gotta go, I'm going to be late" I have no recollection of the rest of the day.
A week or so later I called to schedule the viability scan with the Dr. and it wasn't until that moment that the fear really sunk in. What if this is just a repeat of last year. WHAT IF... like a rush of wind, my heart was still. If I've ever experienced the power of prayer, that was it. I know for a fact people were praying for me. I asked them too, and I trust that people do what they say they will. People were praying specifically for my anxiety, but it was not until that moment that I felt it. I felt it in my core. A moment I've stored away forever. It's like my body refused to be anxious and my heart said, "you'll just have to wait and see how it goes"
From the very first scan everything looked right on track. We had the privilege of having two early ultrasounds as well as a new OB visit and genetic pre-screening. I'm officially 13 weeks and 3 days today. To take this back to where I started -- I haven't always dreamed of being a mom, but when I considered motherhood I certainly favored the idea of having a boy. OF COURSE, I would love the heck out of a little girl, and maybe one day I'll get that privilege. Huge bows, sparkles, purple everything, I know I'd be crazy to say that doesn't seem awesome. However, as many of you know, the longing for a boy was the strongest. One perk of the genetic screening included a look at the sex chromosome and they let us know it's an XY [cue more tears]! All my dreams come true.
We have a long road ahead, and there's still one really important reason that I've written all of this to go along with the photo. I share this news with a heavy heart.
IF YOU READ ANYTHING -- READ THIS PART BELOW
From October 2014 to November 2015 I had 49 friends, family members or co-workers post pregnancy announcements. That is almost one per week. I have every single name in a note on my phone., and many of them now include their children's name and birthdate. Every single one was a tough moment for me, but every single one is a reminder of the Lord's goodness. The miracle of life is a beautiful one, and it is a blessing I do not take for granted. I have been hesitant to post anything because I just ache for the women out there who may wish their belly growing a baby or their adoption paperwork had been accepted. I pray that the Lord love and comfort anyone out there longing for another baby whether it's their first or fourth. It's a tough road to walk, but it's one SO MANY OTHERS are on too. I know that not all infertility stories have a happy ending, but I'm thankful for our little KJ and I am grateful for every single day he is ours. 95 days, and [lord willing] many more to come.
I love you all. Thank you so much for doing life with me, and thank you in advance for loving Kyle Howard McClung Jr. like I know you all will.
"We have this hope as an anchor to our soul, firm and secure..." Hebrews 6:19